 |
| Photo Credit: sophisticat from morgueFile.com |
Today, I want to share
a few funnies from my friend, Mikey, in honor of my baby
brother’s birthday this past weekend, on May 13th. My brother and I love to laugh, so here are
some giggles – one joke per decade of your life, big guy! Ha ha!
It’s hard to believe that my little bro is the BIG FOUR-OH! We fought incessantly as kids, as my poor Mom
and Dad can attest. However, I could not
be more proud of the absolutely amazing man you have become, Aaron! Seriously.
You don’t even have to pay me a penny (inside joke) to say it, because I mean it! Truly.
I am blessed to be your sister and friend. Kisses and Hugs! After 40 years, surely you’ll share your
candy with me now? Maybe? Hee hee!
JOKE # 1
Age is a funny thing.
Do you realize that the
only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm 4 and a half." You're never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens and now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're GONNA be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony - you BECOME 21. YES! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What changed?
"How old are you?" "I'm 4 and a half." You're never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens and now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're GONNA be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony - you BECOME 21. YES! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What changed?
Then you're PUSHING 40. Stay over there because it's all slipping
away...
You REACH 50. My dreams are gone...
You MAKE IT to 60. Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80s. You HIT lunch.
I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas: "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one at that."
And it doesn't end there. When you’re into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens if you make it over 100. You become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!
Age is a funny thing.
You REACH 50. My dreams are gone...
You MAKE IT to 60. Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80s. You HIT lunch.
I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas: "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one at that."
And it doesn't end there. When you’re into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens if you make it over 100. You become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!
Age is a funny thing.
JOKE # 2
An old geezer who was a
retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement. He decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr.
Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back
$1,000!"
Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make $1,000. So, he visited Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I've lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! -- This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days of figuring out how to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that’s gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back," and handed him a $10 bill.
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make $1,000. So, he visited Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I've lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! -- This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days of figuring out how to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that’s gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back," and handed him a $10 bill.
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
JOKE # 3
A new business was
opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card. It said, "Rest
in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.’”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.’”
JOKE # 4
John was driving down
the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord,
take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and
give up beer."
Just then, a parking place miraculously appeared! John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"
Just then, a parking place miraculously appeared! John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"
No comments:
Post a Comment