A Sticker...A Stinker

Photo Credit:  earl53 at morgueFile.com

Last week, I found myself elbow-deep in the trash can.  Have you ever found yourself in this predicament?  Maybe you were searching for a lost wedding ring, a birth certificate, social security card, credit card, or driver’s license. (I mention these things because they are probably the top five things for which I thought I would ever need to dig in waste.)

But, there I was, NOT searching for the aforementioned items.  What in the world was I looking for?  Well…lemme tell ya.  Every day after school, I go through the kids’ backpacks.  I sign what needs to be signed.  I commend them for a job well done on whatever schoolwork is in there.  And, I throw away any random hair, fur balls, lint, acorns, rocks, grass, and stuff that is stuck to the bottom.  (Here is where I made my gargantuan mistake.)

About an hour after the backpack purge, I heard some commotion in the laundry room (where we keep the backpacks to grab on the way out of the door).  At first I heard a faint groan and a few exasperated grunts and moans.  I then heard papers (that were supposed to STAY in the backpack) being thrown into the air.  I heard little feet stomping and tears hitting the floor.  What I was hearing was the beginning of an epic tantrum.

And then I heard monsterific screeching, “AAAHHHHHHHHH – WHERE’S MY SPECIAL STICKERRRRRRRRR?!?!?!?!?!?”  I immediately had a flashback of the backpack purge and very vaguely remembered a dime-sized clear sticker with a pea-sized puppy on front stuck to the bottom of the backpack.  (Tell me that is NOT the sticker she is completely freaking out about...)  In a daze, I calmly and cautiously walked to the laundry room to find my five-year-old daughter throwing a massive fit on the floor.

“Hey, what’s going on?  (gulp)  Can I help you find something?”  I graciously asked, knowing that this peace offering would soon have me elbow-deep in kitchen garbage.

“Yes, I lost my (sniff, sniff) extra super duper ooper favorite sticker.  I just know I put it in my backpack,” she cried.

“Hmmmmm.  Mommy can help you find it.  Why was it your favorite of all times?” I inquired.

“Because, because, because (blows nose)…the puppy on it looked like…like…our Belle.”  And, so, there I was…digging through rubbish to find the beloved Belle sticker.  (I found it by the way…thirty disgusting minutes later.)  I also vowed to NEVER, EVER, EVER throw away another random thing from that child’s backpack without asking first.  I have learned that trash can certainly be unprecedented treasure for her.  What a mommy’s love will do for one stinkin’ sticker, I tell ya!!

Oh, gosh, speakin’ of stinkin’ – I have got to share the most hilarious story EVER with you.  I’m not normally one to pass on fart jokes, but, well…you’ll see why I felt the need to share.  The warning here is this:  if you are trying to secretly read this at work, you will NEVER get away with it.  You won’t be able to hide your uncontrollable tears and laughter (and possibly flatulence) because we know that work e-mails just aren’t that funny.  If you are driving and reading this – (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Please tell me you are NOT doing that)… pull over and read it for goodness sake!

This unforgettable and almost-destiny-altering fart story was written by a lady who is so stinkin’ funny (pun intended!).  Her name is Anna Lind Thomas and she is the Co-Founder/Head Writer & Designer for HaHasforHooHas.com.

And…drum roll… (prepare to find your abs again with this one…like I did)…here it is:  “Like everything in life, farts have a time and place.  However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history.  Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams.  And, if it makes his eyes burn.  If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago.  I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs.  That’s when I met my husband, Rob.  On our first date, he booked the next two.  He liked me.  I liked him.  Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked.  I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry.  Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing.  Was this love?

That’s when it happened.  Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying.  I thought I was dying.  Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it.  The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.  Then I realized …My God, help me.  I have a horrendous fart on deck.  I’m in trouble.  Big trouble.” 

Click here for the rest of the story.  Do it right now!  Just do it!  Click that link and prepare yourself for a breakin’ wind, cuttin’ cheese, heart-healthy laugh…

Okay.  So, after you wipe away the tears and can focus again, I’ll wrap this post up.  We all know we’re laughing because it is a story that is dangerously close to one of our own, perhaps?!  Similar?  Familiar?  Relatable?  Yes, indeed.

How can I possibly tie all of this together today with some sort of, um, message that I took away?  Well, this is what I’m thinking…Just like I was searching and searching for that one lost sticker…God doesn’t give up on us.  In Luke 15:8-10, Jesus’ parable reads, “A woman has ten valuable silver coins and loses one.  Won’t she light a lamp and look in every corner of the house and sweep every nook and cranny until she finds it?  And then, won’t she call in her friends and neighbors to rejoice with her?  In the same way, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God when just one sinner repents.”

The whole time I was searching for that one, single sticker, I kept asking my daughter if I could just get her another sticker – we have billions around the house.  Nope!  She wanted THAT one and only THAT one would do!  And the joy when we found it?  Uncontainable and immeasurable!  Hmmmm….

And, as I sat down to write this, I also recalled the reason that I blog in the first place.  As much as 500 “shares” is a confidence-builder (and the fact that I would certainly be humbled if that ever happened), I truly treasure the one heart-felt comment, e-mail, pin, tweet or facebook response that lets me know that my words have brightened someone’s day – that I’ve reminded someone that they are loved by an Almighty God.  All I need is one…and I will keep on keepin’ on.

As far as Anna’s fart story, I think I was drawn to it for two reasons:  (1) Because it is the funniest thing I’ve read in like, FOREVER, and (2) Because God has a sense of humor and won’t let anything (even eye-burning flatulence) get in the way of His plans for us!  Wasn’t that story a toot?  I mean…hoot!  Who knew that a lone sticker and a horrendous stinker would render a blog post of 1,379 words, huh?!  If you laughed like you haven’t in a long time – pass the gas, um…"story"… along.